Harry Potter and Voldemort's Attack
by Theunrightharrypottertim
Summary: (inside joke) Harry is stuck in a world where unusual things are happening. What will happen to Harry?!
1. Harry Potter and Voldemort's Attack

Harry Potter and Voldemort's Attack  
  
Voldemort was hiding sneakily in the shadows of the Dark Forest, "Mwahahaha!" he said. With his not so faithful companion Wormtail he cast an enchantment over Hogwarts school making everyone act oddly, except Harry. He spotted Dumbledore, and with his magic chicken, made him drunk and eventually blacking out. He took off his clothes and bought a mask at dollar general and posed as Dumbledore. Now he will get revenge on Dobby. Mwahahaha!  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
One day in potions class Prof. Snape...DID THE LLAMA DANCE!!!!!!!!  
  
While Snape was doing the llama dance Harry looked out the window and saw puffins attacking the school.  
  
"Oh no!" Hermione said, "My baby daddy is afraid of puffins!"  
  
All of the sudden Ron started packing his bags.  
  
"What are you doing?!" Harry exclaimed.  
  
"I'm off to Arabia," He said while smiling psychotically.  
  
".What?" Harry said, "Off to Arabia, but why?"  
  
"So that I can rape llamas!" Ron said with a drunk attitude.  
  
"What?!"  
  
"You heard me! I'm an Arabian llama raper!" he said dropping his bags and joining Snape in the llama dance.  
  
All of the sudden Malfoy yelled across the room at Harry, "Harry! You turn me on! Grrr!" he said, then licked his lips.  
  
Harry got scared and ran out of the classroom, while singing random Disney songs.  
  
In the hallway he came across Dumbledore, who had pink bunnies frolicking on his head.  
  
Dumbledore took off a mask revealing that he was Voldemort. He said, "Harry.I am your baby daddy! Mwahahahaha Daniel!!!!"  
  
Harry ran.and ran.and lastly he ran and finally came across Dudley who was apparently having an affair with Hermione.  
  
"Oh Dudley pooh," Hermione said, "I love you and all of your obeseness!"  
  
Harry kept running. All of the sudden he fell in a hole. It was the Ghettoness hole, making everyone that fell in it, Ghetto.  
  
Harry said, "Shoo! Somethin' be smellin' stanky!"  
  
Than he fell to the bottom of the hole. All he saw for miles around were purple penguins. They said, "Follow the yellow brick road."  
  
"I can't yo!" he said ghettoly, "One of my homies be makin' out wit my obese cousin, yo! That just ain't right!"  
  
The penguins all cowered in a corner.  
  
Then suddenly Harry was whooshed back up the hole.  
  
Bob the builder was there. He said, "You owe me child support for 72 kids!"  
  
"What the hell!" he starts running again and into the dark forest he went.  
  
He saw Voldemort again. He was with Snape, doing the llama dance!  
  
Theunrightharrypottertim appears and kills everyone except the puffins!  
  
MWAHAHAHAHA!!!  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
Theunrightharrypottertim: MWAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! DIE UNPUFFINISH PEOPLE!! 


	2. Chapter II of: Harry Potter and Voldemo...

Chapter II of: Harry Potter and Voldemort's Attack  
  
The puffins became bored now that everyone was dead. What was there to take over?? The orange puffin with an abnormally large pink mustache had an idea. Over by the ghettoness hole was Voldemort's magic chicken that he had stolen from the evilselphinizedfujin's school locker. He took it and said, "Mwahahaha! Daniel." Everyone came back to life and went back into the school while doing the Macarena to "Like a Virgin".  
  
Ron and Harry bumped into each other in the Charms corridor. Ron slapped Harry's butt, "Ooh Harry, your ass be fine!"  
  
All of the sudden Malfoy burst through the doors. "You!" he shrieked, "What the hell do you think you're doing?!" Harry was actually glad Malfoy had come, until he continued, "I thought we had something!" he began to sob.  
  
"Dracy-poo! I can explain!" Ron said as a llama tap danced on his head.  
  
"No you can't!" Malfoy said turning as red as the devil penguin on his shirt. "I see how it is now! As soom as I leave to have a chinchilla removed from my ass, you go cheat on me.slut!" he was crying even harder now. "After all we've been through together. "Why shnugle bunny? Why?"  
  
"Draco. Don't leave me," Ron whispered.  
  
"I'll find myself another man! One that can fulfill all of my needs!" he looked at Harry and said, "Llama fucker!" then he left.  
  
"So, Harry, when I'm done raping llamas in Arabia, you, me, in the boys' dormitory. I'll be waiting," Ron said.  
  
He left, shaking his butt at random people. Then Harry saw Malfoy.  
  
"Draco," he said in a low voice. "Ron and I never did and never will be anything."  
  
"Really??" Malfoy sang. He suddenly turned into an opera singing, Australian cow.  
  
"The one I have always loved is you. The way you turn into a fat monkey with a Jamaican accent turns me on," Harry cried.  
  
"Really?!?!" Malfoy smiled.  
  
"Yes! Yes! Yes!" Harry said while spontaneously combusting, but turned back into his llama-like self.  
  
"I don't need Ron! He's just a player!" Malfoy said, "Gurl Power!" They danced like hillbillies for awhile, when a llama stampeded came. All of the sudden three American girls in llama masks came up the ghettoness hole.  
  
"Mwahahahaha Daniel! Mwahahahaha Rupert!" the girls said, then turned into ponies and left. Suddenly, George Bush in a leather mini skirt popped up, "Does this make my butt look big?" Malfoy whistled in approval and George Bush started doing a booty dance, scaring everyone out of the school, except for Malfoy.  
  
"Harry! We need to study for our exams!" Hermione said, while trying to count how many baby daddies she had.  
  
"No we don't, I'm.er.worrying about Voldemort. Yeah, that's it. He wants to turn me into a schizophrenic turkey, you know," Harry replied.  
  
"But Harry, everyone knows that Voldemort doesn't come until the end of the book! He never comes any other time! It would ruin the plot if he did!"  
  
Then Voldemort popped up in the middle of the school year and killed everyone, except Dobby.  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
Theunrightharrypottertim: MWAHAHAHA DANIEL! BLESS THE LLAMA ASSES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND THE SCHIZOPHRENTIC TURKEYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 


	3. Harry Potter's Full Name

Harry Potter's Full Name: The 3rd Chapter to "Harry Potter and Voldemort's Attack"  
  
Sorry for not having a disclaimer on the previous chapters...but here it is...  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own the HP characters...but I can torture them in this fic! Mwahahahaha Daniel!  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
Harry, like we said, was going to be turned into a schizophrenic turkey, which he did. The other turkey inside his brain was still alive and brought everyone back to life.  
  
"Harold Potter!" Professor McGonagall called, "Fuck my chicken!"  
  
Harold Potter ran away and bumped into people wearing llama masks. "Mwahahahahaha Daniel!" It was the same 3 American girls.  
  
"I'm not Daniel! I'm Pretty Pretty Princess Harold Potter!" Harold yelled.  
  
The American girls did the llama dance and flew away on their magical purple and pink, fluffy Tyrannosaurs.  
  
He continued to run, until he bumped into Sponge Bob Square Pants, who was wearing an evil lunchbox. "Do you know where my pineapple is? I need to take a crap!"  
  
Harold knew where it was, but wouldn't tell Sponge Bob, because it was up his butt. Sponge Bob began to cry, then met up with Malfoy who screamed, "Oh boy! Your sponginess turns me on! Yo be hot!"  
  
Then Sponge Bob and Malfoy left together, skipping and singing to "Hakuna Matatta".  
  
Harold was sad. His baby daddy left him for a sponge.  
  
Then Dobby came. "Sir! Yo is up in my crib!"  
  
"No I is not fo' cheesy!" Harold Potter said, "This be my crib!"  
  
Dobby began to cry.  
  
"What Dobby?" Harold asked while Dumbledore did the Tango with Snape.  
  
Dobby's eyes darted around as if he just got high off pretzels earlier. Then he said in a quiet whisper, "The puffins..." he fainted.  
  
"The puffins what?" Harold asked, then screamed like a little girl because he had puffinphobia.  
  
Dobby became conscious again, because a herd of llamas stampeded him, then he said, "Dobby's pet puffin ate Voldemort's magical chicken driving Voldemort to evil insanity, sir. Not only did he turn several muggles into menacing kindergarten penguins, he actually stole a magical chicken from a girl's locker...and Harold's parents, sir..."  
  
"What about my parents?" Harold asked. Suddenly Brittany Spears popped up and began to sing "Oops I did it Again", but an angry mob chased her away.  
  
"Your parents, sir...turned into...Arabian llamas," Dobby said dramatically. Then Dobby took a jackhammer and began hitting his head with it. "BAD DOBBY!!!" he yelled.  
  
For the second time in 1.7239WPX minutes he screamed like a little girl. If his parents were turned into Arabian llamas, and Ron rapes Arabian llamas...then...  
  
"NOOOO!!!" Harold screamed. Completely grossed out, he ran into Moaning Myrtle's bathroom. She was singing. "Everybody hates me because I'm a big, ugly, stupid, retarded fag!! Fag! Fag! Fag!" Then she saw Harold.  
  
"Hello hottie!! Grrr!" she said, then did the llama dance and went down her toilet.  
  
Hermione came out and said, "Harold! You have to see what I've found! It's splendiferous!"  
  
He saw a hole. It was dark and made ogooblah sounds. Harold recognized what hole it was.  
  
"The Ghettoness Hole, when you fall in, you become ghetto," Harold said.  
  
Hermione looked stunned. She dropped her books.  
  
"What?" Harold asked.  
  
"I'M SUPPOSED TO KNOW EVERYTHING!!!" Hermione cried. She fell to the ground and began to pound her hands and feet on the ground. Then she fell down the hole. Harold followed her and turned into a rabid goldfish, but changed back into his llama like self.  
  
They went down the hole, getting more ghetto by the second. Then they landed.  
  
"Shoo! Yo be trippin' fo' sho' Harold!" Hermione yelled.  
  
They saw the purple penguins again, and again they said, "Follow the Yellow Brick Road!" And they did. All of the sudden they got to an ugly 3 story middle school with red, blue, and lime green lockers. There were a whole bunch of ghetto people speaking in an American accent.  
  
Harold and Hermione began walking down a hallway, while spontaneously combusting mongooses tap danced on their faces.  
  
Soon afterwards they bumped into an afro, yes, an afro that took up the whole hallway. Since there was no way around, they decided to travel through the mass of hair.  
  
In the afro they bumped into Ron who was with...AN ARABIAN LLAMA! "Hermione, close your eyes!" Harold warned, but was too late. "I'M SCARRED FOR LIFE!!!" she screamed like a penguinphobic pair of llama pants.  
  
They ran from Ron and his llama, and finally bumped into the owner of the afro. She (SHE?!) said, "Mwahahahaha Daniel!" and laughed like a chicken with chickenphobia.  
  
Harold and Hermione got scared and frolicked out of the afro, while doing the llama dance to random Disney songs.  
  
While running down the hall they ran into Dobby. He said in a ghetto Norwegian accent, "Sir! He is attacking!"  
  
"Who is attacking?" Harold asked like an Australian polar bear wearing a bikini.  
  
"Bob the Builder!" Dobby said, then shrieked, banging his head into a nearby electrical socket.  
  
Hermione looked worried, "He's one of my baby daddies, I can't let him do this!"  
  
"Hermione's right! We must stop him!" Harold exclaimed turning into a fat, radioactive, rabid parakeet, but soon turned back into his llama like self.  
  
They ran down the hallway and soon ran into Bob the Builder himself. He pointed to Harold and said, "You ARE my baby daddy!!!! I want my child support!"  
  
Harold, Hermione, and Dobby were scared, but found out that there was no escape. Bob's evil schizophrenic llama minions surrounded them, armed with rabid goldfish.  
  
"Oh no!" Hermione said, "Bob! Please don't do this!"  
  
Bob peered at Hermione, "Oh...you're one of my baby mommies, right?"  
  
Hermione nodded.  
  
Bob thought for a second, then said cheerfully, "Okay! I won't!" and he and his minions skipped away singing "Hakuna Matatta" while spontaneously combusting every .328047 seconds.  
  
Harold, Hermione, and Dobby were relieved and started walking down the hall as if that never happened.  
  
On their way down the hall Voldemort popped up. He was tap dancing to the llama dance with Neville Longbottoms. In his right hand he had...THE MAGIC CHICKEN!  
  
Harold tried to grab it, but wasn't quick enough. Voldemort laughed like a demon llama and spontaneously combusted twice before killing everyone, except Neville, who happened to be one of his baby daddies...  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
Theunrightharrypottertim: Mwahahahaha Daniel! They died again...how will they come back to life this time...? MAYBE THEY WON'T! DIE UNPUFFINISH PEOPLE!!! 


	4. Bob had it coming

Chapter Four: Bob had it coming  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own the freakin' book, OKAY!? But I can torture the characters! Mwahahaha Daniel!  
  
**=Author's interruption  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
Neville was sad...his baby daddy killed all of his friends at Hogwarts. Voldemort stood in the hall by the Ghettoness Hole laughing maniacally, while the magical chicken in his hands spontaneously combusted twice before turning into a rabid devil penguin and back again.  
  
"Why, Voldie, why did you kill all of my friends?" Neville asked, starting to cry, while a red mongoose in purple llama pants sang the Barney Song.  
  
Voldemort turned to face him, "You don't need them anymore! You have me! We can rule over the people, llamas, puffins, penguins, mongooses, and chinchillas of this world together!"  
  
"You fool!" Neville said unNeville-like, "There's nothing left to rule over! You killed everyone, remember?"  
  
"...Oh...yeah...danmit! You win," Voldemort pouted in defeat. He bit his lip and reluctantly handed over the magical chicken, which was still spontaneously combusting, over to Neville.  
  
With a wave of the chicken everyone came back to life.  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
Harry awoke in a hallway filled with ghetto people and realized where he was. Hermione and Dobby were sitting next to him, looking dazed, until realization hit them too.  
  
"We have to find the Ghettoness Hole!" Harry said as Neville came frolicking down the hall wearing lime green, spontaneously combusting llama pants, and singing random Disney songs.  
  
"G'day mate!" He said in an Australian hillbilly accent with a touch of Jamaican.  
  
"You traitor!" Hermione screeched, pointing a finger, which had flowers blossoming out of it, at Neville.  
  
"Me? What did I do?" Neville asked innocently, while a puffin with pink and purple slippers attacked his shoe.  
  
"You sided with Voldemort and...did other things with him!"  
  
"I didn't side with him, I only became his baby daddy so that I could get the magical chicken," Neville said holding the spontaneously combusting chicken in the air.  
  
"You used him?" Hermione thought for .67457 seconds then hugged Neville, "Neville! I love you!" She exclaimed, as three mongooses tap danced together on the ceiling.  
  
Neville gave the chicken to Harry and flew away on his magical, fluffy komodo dragon.  
  
Harry, Hermione, and Dobby continued their search for the Ghettoness Hole when they ran into Ron, who looked pleased with himself.  
  
"Hullo!" Ron said cheerfully in a ghetto Norwegian accent, "Guess what I did?"  
  
"I don't (Dobby doesn't) want to know," They said in unison as Ron turned into a schizophrenic Bob llama with a pink wig, mumbling in a Russian accent.  
  
"Tch! Fine!" Ron said like an angry, spork-flinging, plaid wildebeest. He skipped away doing the llama dance to random Madonna songs.  
  
They continued their search for the Ghettoness Hole and walked down the same hallway for the third time in a row.  
  
"Sir, are we there yet?" Dobby whined, while Hermione counted her baby daddies for the tenth time.  
  
Harry ignored him and they kept walking. He saw a classroom and, for some odd reason, he thought of asking a teacher. "Hello, do you..." He walked into the class, but was scared as soon as he did.  
  
"Welcome to Sex Ed class!" The teacher said. They saw some odd pictures on the wall that Ron, who was magically there again, was rather fond of. Then they ran out.  
  
They ran down the hall and turned a corner and went into the second classroom on the left. "Howdy ya'lls! Como esta ustedes?" *sorry for lack of accent marks and upside down question marks* The door magically closed behind them. They were stuck in a class with a homosexual, sombrero- wearing, Spanish teacher, Mr. Burtle *our Spanish teacher's twin with the same personality*.  
  
"I'M GAY!!!" Mr. Burtle screamed and shot Hermione up the Ghettoness Hole on the ceiling. Harry was scared stiff, but Ron looked as if he just won free tickets to Disney World. "Oh boy!" He smiled as he was chased by a 4000-year-old pink bunny, "This is going to be fun!"  
  
Harry stared at Ron in disbelief.  
  
"What?" Ron asked innocently, while the 4000-year-old pink bunny spontaneously combusted and disappeared.  
  
Harry shook his head and started backing away, eyeing the Ghettoness Hole on the ceiling, which a rabid goldfish was now doing the llama dance by.  
  
Mr. Burtle saw where Harry was looking and said, "Yer not gettin' up there sonny!" before turning into a blue, giant chinchilla, wearing a sombrero and back into his gay self.  
  
Harry ran for all he was worth, dragging a drooling Ron with him, to a desk right below the Ghettoness Hole. He jumped onto the desk, as a mob of ghetto people from out of nowhere stampeded them with lethal combs, and up into the hole.  
  
They could hear Mr. Burtle saying something about fried chicken and swearing as they traveled back to Hogwarts.  
  
The Ghettoness Hole that they fell from was on the ceiling on the Potions Dungeon. They fell on top of Snape and Dumbledore who were teaching the class the wonders of llamas, while wearing purple and pink top hats and singing "I Wish You a Merry Christmas".  
  
Harry, Ron, Snape, and Dumbledore got up and started doing the llama dance together, when Prof. McGonagall walked in wearing an afro wig.  
  
"Mr. Potter! Mr. Weasley!" She said seriously, "Fuck a llama!" She started doing the llama dance with them.  
  
Harry and Ron ran out, down the hall, and up the stairs. They ran into Hermione. "You guys make it out okay?" She said in a part Australian, part Jamaican accent. Harry and Ron both nodded.  
  
"Wait...where's Dobby?! He was with up before!" Hermione said as Bob the Builder flew past them on a broomstick.  
  
"Er...I dunno...he didn't come up the Ghettoness Hole with us," Harry said tensely, knowing Hermione was about to scream at them.  
  
"Oh...okay!" Hermione said cheerfully as she started to skip away.  
  
"Well...that was unexpected," Ron said as they followed her, while at the same time Peeves popped up, tap danced in the air, and spontaneously combusted, turning into a rabid mongoose with a purple wig.  
  
"Harry, you still have the magic chicken?" Hermione asked once they caught up to her.  
  
"OH SHIT!!" Harry yelled, while turning into a green devil penguin, "I must have dropped it in Mr. Burtle's classroom!"  
  
Ron and Hermione looked at him in disbelief. "You didn't!" Ron said.  
  
"I did," Harry gulped looking guilty. Harry didn't want to imagine the horrors that would result with the mistake he made. The most powerful, magical force in the universe lied in the hands of the dreaded Mr. Burtle. He might turn the world into a dictatorship, he might go and destroy Earth, he might get rid of all the girls and make all the guys dress like a constipated Brittney Spears and polka dance with Barney, while singing the Brady Bunch Theme Song!!!  
  
With this thought Harry fainted, while Ron put a quarter into the mechanical pony ride and began to squeal with joy. "Ron, get a hold of yourself man!" Hermione screamed. Snape suddenly picked her up and they did the Macarena. Prof. McGonagall was disco dancing under a disco ball that suddenly appeared. Dumbledore was eating a pineapple, while dressed as a yellow telletubby, and Ron was acting like the pony was a bucking bronco.  
  
Harry woke back up. "Don't any of you realize the unholy terror that has just been unleashed? I mean, with the magic chicken in Mr. Burtle's hands, who knows what monstrosities could occur? He could be worse than Voldemort."  
  
Suddenly everyone was quite and all you could hear was crickets chirping. Then suddenly Dobby popped up and said, "So?" and they went back to whatever they were previously doing.  
  
Harry cried. He was the only one who could save the world. Then he had an idea. "The girls in llama masks!" He shouted, "They shall help me!"  
  
He went to find the Ghettoness Hole so he could get his accomplices in saving the world.  
  
And then...NO ONE DIED!!! And the story now has a plot!!!  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
Theunrightharrypottertim: Gigi ga pipi! Translation: The llamas have wedgies. 


End file.
